Dying to Live

by Blackonyx_angel blackonyx_angel@yahoo.com

beta’d by Kristofer rin_so_ryu@yahoo.com

A/N: Remus’s thoughts are disjointed in the first part. It’s done on purpose. Believe me. I had Kris all over me about that until I explained it to him. So :-P

Challenges: 38) Remus didn't realize that he was in love with Snape. Until he instinctively took the hit that was meant for the snarky Potions Master. & 18) Lupin just wants to roll over on his back and whine when he hears Snape's menacing voice.

You’d think you’d know when you loved someone, wouldn’t you? Would it be odd if I said that I didn’t know?

Oh, I do now, but I didn’t before.

I loved Sirius. My Padfoot. And I knew I loved him. Have always known.

I still do. But he’s gone, and feelings change after two years.

I didn’t know I loved him. He was a right snarky bastard to me. At least since Sirius sent him to the Shrieking Shack. Before that we were on ok terms. We talked civilly when the other weren’t around, even had an odd friendship of sorts. But, now, I know I love him.

I felt the pain first, before I realized I had moved. Lucius had some sort of muggle weapon.

Harry would know what it was.

It made a lot of noise. It burned. It tore into me, between my ribs, on my left side.

I’m left handed. Did you know that?

I felt it burn, and I heard Severus. He yelled something as I fell.

I know I fell, I saw the ground rushing up to meet me.

But I don’t know what he yelled. I just heard his voice. That menacing voice.

The menacing, beautiful, deep voice. That voice and it’s hypnotic cadence. Merlin, sometimes, sometimes I just want to roll on my back and whine when I hear it, you know?

I heard Lucius as well. And, I think, Peter. That damned rat.

I don’t feel the pain anymore. I don’t really feel anything. Nothing physical. The strangest thing, is that it feels right.

I do feel emotions, though. I feel longing, confusion, love... I took whatever it was... and it was meant for Severus. I have never done that for anyone. I love him.

But, I get the feeling... the realization might be too late.

I feel at peace here, feel like I belong, like this is home. I have my friends, I can see them. After all these years, I can see James and Lily. I can see Sirius, my Sirius.

And I want to hold him, I really do, but, something’s missing...

Something is missing and I have to find it.


What’s missing?


Eyes slowly opened, then closed again against the glaring light. There was a groan and a whispered ‘Nox’ not long after. Eyes slowly opened again.

“You idiot. What were you thinking? You were almost killed.”

The barest hint of a smile and the urge to whine. Instead a croaked “Hello to you too, Severus”.

“Did you hear me? Merlin and Circe, what were you thinking? Did your brains get scattered along with his ashes? You little fool, what did you think could possibly-”

A croaked “Love you too, Severus”.

Met with silence.

Then “Go to sleep, Remus”.

The End of the Beginning

A/N: Hehe... how’d you like it? His thought patterns were screwed... it reminds me of my gf. Newho... R&R